Price of admission for two adults……$19
Medium popcorn……$6
Medium soda……$4.50
Train wreck of a movie experience…FREE!
(Robyn)
There are three rules we typically abide by when it comes to new movie releases.
1.) NEVER go on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday
2.) NEVER see the movie during the opening weekend
3.) NEVER sit anywhere near children
We thought we could grab a quick appetizer at Ruby Tuesday's, which is located in the same parking lot as the movie theater. We sat at the bar, hoping the service would be a little quicker. Not so much. We
waited a half hour for some deep fried avocado things that we couldn't
even finish eating because our movie was going to be starting. Bread MUST see all previews or it destroys his entire movie experience. We were going to see The Dark Knight and figured we wouldn't have a hard time finding a seat, after all, practically everyone has seen it by now. After getting our popcorn and soda, we walked all the way down the hall and discovered that the theater was full. We like to sit in the back row center, but they were already taken. To our excitement, we spotted two empty seats in the back row at the end of the row. A woman had her purse on one of the seats, so I asked her if the seat was taken. The fact that I ever opened my mouth to speak to this woman will haunt me…forever.
(Bread)
I hated that lady. I hated the other girl with her. I hated the infantile baby they brought with them. But most of all, I hated the sugared up, wig wearing, demon of a little girl that they let run rampant throughout the film. I could've lived through all the cell phones lighting up throughout the movie. I
could've lived through the entire theater laughing at such
drool-inducing lines as "Move over, I want to drive" (as someone pushes
a body out of the driver's seat), or "Yea, he does that sometimes" (as
Batman scurries off without someone noticing that he is gone).
But
the demon child who kicked the chairs in front of her, paced back and
forth for the entire 2+ hours, was allowed to stand DIRECTLY IN FRONT
OF ROBYN SEVERAL TIMES…..Her…..and her entire party…they deserved
horrid deaths. In public.
(Robyn)
I
should have known better because when I sat down next to this woman,
she started nudging me and looking at me whenever she deemed something
worthy of a reaction. After the third time, my ears started burning (a sign that I am turning into the Hulk). At this point, the demon child hadn't yet stirred. She waited a good twenty minutes into the movie to do this. When I first spotted her, I felt immediate terror. Not
just because I discovered that we were breaking one of our golden rules
by sitting near a child, but she looked exactly like this beast:
So anyway, we are now a half hour into the movie and I have no clue what is going on because I can not believe that some douchebag just walked in a half hour late and had to ask
people in the row in front of us to scoot over so that he could sit
down. About ten minutes later, his girl walked in. Without consideration of others, he opened his cell phone and started waving it around so that she could see him. Mind
you, this all happened right in front of my face…but I took solace in
knowing that the demon child would soon destroy his movie experience. And indeed, she delivered.
This movie is full of WTF moments. In no particular order, Eric Roberts shows up as the leader of the Italian mob in Gotham City. And then Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy from Batman Begins) shows up in a parking garage with a fake Batman to scare some bad guys. When the real Batman shows up, he scolds Scarecrow who is never seen in the movie again. WTF??? And
then the real Batman, who has a suit that is bullet, fire and bomb
proof, is attacked by two Rottweilers, which causes extensive flesh
wounds.
(Bread)
How could I forget the fucking dogs that tore Batman up?? HAHAHAHA!! Hilarious. OH NO NOT THE PUPPIES!! SO SCAWY!!
Apparently
Katie Holmes was not available for this installment because she was
busy popping out Sceino babies. In her place, they cast Maggie
Gyllenhaal. This was a perfect choice, not only because she sports the
same droopy dog face as Katie, but because her brother is Jake. There
was a scene where The Joker called her "a beautiful woman". I'm sure
that Ledger was confusing her for his 'Brokeback Mountain' counterpart and wanted to stick it in her tight little asshole.
(Robyn)
Correct, with a room full of hot women at a Bruce Wayne fundraiser, The Joker singled ol' horsey face as the "beautiful" one. Actually, she looks more like the alien faced weirdo in Van Gogh's The Scream.
So we are now knee-deep in this movie and I am still having a difficult time following the story. The
little hell spawn sat on her grandma's (?) lap and started picking her
nose…I mean really digging in…and then wiped it up and down her leg. Not even 5 minutes later, she started rubbing my arm. I almost lost it. I didn't tell Bread about a lot of this because I needed to save it for my rant. And then she takes her wig off and throws it on the floor, so the family is searching under the chairs for the wig.
Here are some other random things I remember from the movie. There were two bad guy neck rolls, one coming from 'hey dead guy' Heath Ledger and the other from some rich Asian guy. One of the bad guys had switchblade shoes, which are generally only spotted in JCVD movies. Oh,
and when the motorcycle tore its way out of the batmobile, I have a
feeling that Mr. Smarmy's babies went for a swim in his panties.
(Bread)
LOL @ Smarmy making cream pies in his knickers. Who the fuck calls this the best comic book movie of all time?? Homos and assholes that's who! This movie made me angry. It could've been about an hour and a half shorter. There were plenty of stunts to keep the audience of dolts oohing and ahhing. CABLE COMES WHIPPING AROUND THE CORNER TIRES SCREECH AND BAD GUYS GO FLYING FROM THE 5TH FLOOR OF THE PARKING GARAGE….gee that's great..but uhhh..where did the cable come from again?? Jeezus Christ.
Or
how about the scene where Bruce Wayne hooks up some contraption where
every cell phone in Gotham City can be used to give Batman sonar vision. Get it? Because he's BATman??? Fuck off.
Or
even better, the scene where a ferry full of prisoners and a ferry full
of good citizens have to decide if they will blow up the other ferry
before that ferry blows them up. It was supposed to be a lesson in how dark human nature can take you when given a CHOICE. Zeus / Tiny was one of the prisoners on the ferry. That was my nineteenth clue that this movie was going to shit. Needless to say, both ferries decide to save the other. I think there was supposed to be a message in there somewhere, but I was blinded by too much hate and anger to see it.
And
one more thing…Can we be fucking done with the scenes involving
impending doom (apocalypse, aliens, natural disasters) and within the
chaotic crowd of panicked strangers, about three people always become
the voices for the majority?!?! There is always the mother. There is always the smarmy prick / lawyer type. There is always a scientist. FUCK OFF WITH THIS BULLSHIT!?!??!? Robyn…?
(Robyn)
Bread, I have a feeling that the lines you are referring to are written specifically for the chosen ones. The chosen ones being cousins/sisters/nieces of the director and/or producers of the film. "When will they stop killing the cops??!!" "Why does the Joker have yellow teeth"? "Why does The Batman talk with a lisp?" As
for the concept of searching for the dark side of human nature, we have
seen that concept displayed over and over again in Saw I, II, III, IV
and V.
So yeah, The Dark Knight was not that great. It
may have had much to do with the fact that I missed a lot of the movie
due to poor movie etiquette…or it may have been that the movie sucked. No clue.
All I know is that I have never been so angry sitting in a movie theater in my life. And people, when is it OK for you to check your text messages during a movie?? I saw about 20-25 different people doing this throughout a 3 hour period. Am I the only person in this world who is visually affected by a glowing light in a dark room? Once
that happens, I am completely snapped out of movie world and back into
nasty theater world sitting next to a filthy foreigner with a retarded
grand daughter wearing a ratty Halloween wig. Unless the movie is starring Kevin Bacon, Nick Nolte or Nick Cannon, we are saving our $30 and spending it on birth control.
(Bread)
Birth control? Huh? Did your diaphragm break again?
And let's not forget the ending when we made a mad dash for the exit right before the movie finished to beat the crowd. The credits started rolling and THE CROWD BEGAN TO APPLAUD!!! I'm not sure if it said "In Memory of Heath Ledger Meat Wedger" on the screen?? Maybe it did. If not, that was the gayest thing I had been a part of since that cold night in Atlanta.
Ledger's showing was good. I'm not jerking off all over the fucking floors over it. It dwindled in comparison to some other notable bad guys, such as Chong Li's powerful performance in 'Bloodsport'. But it was still OK.
